The Art of Not Taking Things Personally
Why taking feedback can be so hard and three ways to reframe your thinking to grow personally, as a member of team, and as a leader.
A few weeks ago, we were having a conversation with a colleague. She said something that caught our attention—many early-career team members were struggling to take feedback about work projects or performance.
This is something we’ve heard quite a bit about from leaders and managers anecdotally. There is a perceived sensitivity. Words like “boundaries,” tend to get thrown around.
The data, however, suggests there may be some crossed wires between managers and their teams. There are a number of workplace surveys that indicate the younger professionals do indeed want feedback, just not always in the way it’s given. Likewise, managers will also sometimes struggle to give feedback to and take feedback from their teams.
The reality is, not all feedback is created equal, so it can be hard to parse through what is meant to be constructive and what is a proxy for some other underlying issue (we’ll cover the art of giving better feedback in another post).
As we work to develop as leaders and human beings in a complex and often messy world, it is very likely we’re going to be on the receiving end of feedback we don’t like. Learning to create some emotional distance in feedback conversations and not take everything so personally is a superpower.
Why do we take feedback so personally sometimes?
“I am,” is a powerful phrase.
When we say “I am” we are talking about our identity—the core of who we believe and know ourselves to be.
“I am a good leader.”
“I am good at my job.”
“I am smart.”
“I am capable.”
Maybe you even think, “I am a person who doesn’t take things personally,” as you read this.
Who we believe ourselves to be shows up in the workplace. It can guide our behavior and also mask areas where we may be falling short. Imagine all of your experience, your skills, and attributes are a brick foundation. Each brick, laid by you, with great care and effort.
Now, imagine one of those bricks represents your writing skills. One day your boss pulls you into a one-on-one and tells you your writing isn’t up to the standard needed by the organization. It might feel as if your boss is swinging a sledge hammer at one of the bricks you thought was solid.
It’s easy to see how emotions can come flooding in after hearing those words. One might be anger: “I am a good writer. How dare my boss suggest I’m not,” you might think to yourself. Or perhaps fear and shame arise as you panic and say to yourself, “oh no, I must be an awful writer, I shouldn’t be doing this work. What if I get fired?” In the moment, there’s no emotional distance from what you just heard. It’s hard to tell if your boss’s intent was to swing a sledgehammer or tell you maybe you simply need to patch up some of the mortar around the brick in question.
When you figure out how to put emotional distance between you and the feedback (good, bad and ugly), you’ll start to see opportunities to grow while building more confidence as a leader and team member.
To be clear, not taking things personally doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have feelings about feedback or enforce boundaries when appropriate. Rather, it’s about finding ways to observe the feelings versus internalizing or running away with them. Finding ways to stay present and curious in the conversation will allow you to learn more and recognize opportunities that may lie within the feedback.
Here are a three things you can do to master the art of taking feedback without taking it personally.
1. Pause & Listen
It’s perfectly natural in the midst of a difficult conversation to want to react immediately. The flight, flight, freeze, fawn response kicks in. Our brains are wired to protect us. Our programming served us well before we had the relative security of the modern world. In the animal kingdom, humans are comparatively fragile. We relied upon our groups, families, and tribes for survival. If we were pushed out of our group left to fend for ourselves, the likelihood of survival was minimal.
Despite the comparative comfort of modernity, our brains are still very much wired to spot this kind of danger—and it doesn’t always serve us well. When we feel as if we’re being criticized, our brains will act as if we’re facing an existential threat.
It may help to think of the feedback as a ball that the other person throws at you. The impulse is to try to catch it and then throw it right back or grip it tightly, holding on to the sting of the impact. In reality, there’s nothing that requires you to even catch the ball. You can simply let it drop, let it sit, and observe it.
This technique also allows for better listening. When we’re thinking about the response, it’s very likely that we’re not paying very close attention to what is being said. Thus missing key information, opportunities to ask questions, or seek greater clarity.
2. Get Curious
It’s easy to approach feedback with a judgmental eye. We judge ourselves, we judge the people giving the feedback, we even just the feedback itself. If we assign a label of “good” or “bad” to feedback, then we’ve already determined the value before fully processing what has been said.
When you feel yourself beginning to go down the path of judgement, you can say to yourself, “hmm, that is interesting, let’s try to learn more.” In these moments, leaning into curiosity will take you very far!
Adopting a "let's learn more" mindset can help you better understand the motives behind the feedback you're receiving. Often, the feedback may not be about you at all, but rather about an underlying issue where your role is only a small part of the equation. In some cases, the feedback may even be a projection of the other person's feelings about a particular situation. Instead of internalizing or reacting to feedback that doesn't truly concern you, consider seeking advice from others to gain a clearer understanding of what's really going on.
A “let’s learn more” mindset can also help you clarify the specifics of the issue and the feedback. Let’s imagine a colleague approaches you after a meeting to let you know they feel your presence in front of clients or customers doesn’t meet the standard of the organization.
Colleague: “Your interaction with clients doesn’t reflect the image we want to present to clients.”
You may feel taken aback. You might say to yourself, “oh, so my colleague thinks I’m bad with clients.” Going to judgement doesn’t actually help you or help your colleague provide clearer feedback.
Imagine instead you asked a question: “I appreciate that you are bringing this concern to my attention. Can you help me understand what specific parts of my interactions that are not meeting expectations?”
Colleague: “In meetings with clients, we like our team to be more proactive about making recommendations. When we don’t keep the meetings structured, it makes it seem to the client like we are making them do the work we were hired to do. May I suggest an agenda format that might help organize us to be more goal-oriented and proactive in meetings?”
So, now you’ve figured out it’s not the entire interaction with clients. You aren’t bad with people. It’s the structure of the meetings that is creating a particular perception. Without a “let’s learn more” mindset, it’s likely you would have sat with vague feedback and a bad taste in your mouth.
3. Reflect & Take Action
Once you've gained emotional distance and clarity on the feedback, take time to reflect on whether it requires action or if it’s unconstructive. Reflection helps you assess if changes are needed or if the feedback stems from an external issue. If you're still unclear, follow up for more details to better understand the feedback. Additionally, seeking mentorship or outside advice can also provide valuable guidance, helping you continue your professional and personal growth with a clearer perspective.
Pulling it Together
Feedback can feel like a personal blow, especially when it touches something central to how we see ourselves—our “I am”s. But learning not to take it personally doesn’t mean tolerating toxic dynamics or brushing off everything as someone else’s projection. It means cultivating self-management, curiosity, and discernment—knowing when to pause, when to ask questions, and when to reflect.
When we can meet feedback (the good, the bad, and the confusing) with curiosity instead of defensiveness, we unlock real growth. Whether it’s drawing firmer boundaries or embracing a hard truth about our performance, the ability to stay composed and meaningfully engaged in the face of feedback is a leadership skill that pays dividends—both in our careers and in how we show up across our life.