The Confidence Trap: When "Faking It" Replaces Authenticity
Performing confidence can quietly erode self-trust, create disconnection, and undermine the foundations of resilient leadership
We’ve all heard it: "Fake it until you make it." It's a phrase tossed around casually, and routinely used as a tactic for bypassing feelings of unworthiness or imposter syndrome. On the surface, it sounds harmless, even empowering, especially for leaders striving to sustain their success or reach for that next level. But what if there is a deeper cost of faking who we are, day after day, year after year…What if we never reconcile our masks with who we really are?
✨ TL;DR: “Fake it until you make it” might help you get through tough moments, but living behind the walls of a carefully crafted mask takes a real toll. Over time, it chips away at your self-trust and keeps you from feeling truly seen or fulfilled, despite achieving outward success. Real confidence—and real leadership—comes from showing up as your whole self, even when it feels scary. Thankfully, the road back to “you” entails taking one honest step at a time..it doesn’t need to happen overnight or in one big leap.
Confidence vs. Inauthenticity
In the 1920’s, psychologist Alfred Adler introduced the concept of “act as if.” What he suggested to his patients that if they desired to have a particular quality, they should act as if they already have it to develop a practice of engaging in specific desirable behaviors. It’s actually pretty good advice.
So, for example, if you struggle with public speaking, visualizing yourself delivering remarks confidently is a helpful practice.
The problem is, when acting as if, or faking it until you make it, takes on a different character (or in this case creates a character). There’s a famous scene in a Ben Affleck movie, Boiler Room, where he plays the president of a high-pressure stock brokerage. He delivers a speech to new hires imploring them to “act as if.” He wants the new hires to go out an buy new suits to maintain a certain “minimum aesthetic professionalism.”
The idea is there is a certain visual and behavioral box the team is expected to fit into regardless of whether it is authentic. This is something we see on our social media feeds every day. An “entrepreneur” showing off their new Lamborghini. The Instagram post from the inside of what appears to be a private jet (sorry, to bubble burst, but it’s often a set). It plays to aspiration and conveys the trappings of what many think success should look like.
But, when you dig a little deeper, often there is nothing below the surface. It’s a mask—a persona. When it comes to leadership, authenticity matters.
The Downsides of Inauthenticity
Every time we pretend, every time we hide, or adopt a persona, we create distance between our true selves and the people around us. The validation we receive from faking it may feel good momentarily, but ultimately it reinforces the fear that who we really are isn’t enough. It creates worried feelings that one day, someone—or everyone—will figure out that we aren’t really as smart, talented, witty, or amazing as they’ve thought we are and everything will be taken away from us.
Additionally, when success or praise arrives, it rarely penetrates deeply because we tell ourselves it was the persona, not us, who earned that praise. This keeps us locked in a perpetual state of feeling unworthy, believing the true us isn't capable or deserving of the things we want most in our lives whether that’s success, love, or achievement.
Authenticity Creates Inner Sustainability
Imagine instead the power of being fully seen and appreciated for exactly who you are (weird quirks and all)! Authentic success, the kind that resonates deeply and builds genuine resiliency to face life’s challenges knowing you can overcome them, can only be born from vulnerability and integrity. It arises when we courageously express our whole selves and allow the world to respond to our honest truth. We also realize the world doesn’t end when we mess up or act weird/silly instead of perfectly polished all the time. 🌱
We’ve All Been There!
Molly’s Story
When I was Cabinet Secretary, I decided to hold a monthly town hall for employees to ask questions and receive important updates. At the end of the each town hall, I would awkwardly dance to whatever song the comms team picked to close out the program.
The first time I told someone about it, who wasn’t from the agency, their response was shock and a little horror. There was clearly a narrow preexisting conception of how leaders should lead and behave.
However, the town halls and the dancing became something employees reguarly attended because they were moments of genuine sharing and bonding as a larger team, not scripted and formulaic encounters that anyone could do.
They also helped build trust in me as a leader because employees had a real sense of who I was. If I trusted them enough to be a goof ball in front of them and give honest, imperfect answers on the town hall—including admitting when I didn’t know something—then they could have confidence in the other information I was providing to them. It also showed them that I was a member of the team and not someone who believed they above them due to my role.
Matt’s Story
I started a public affairs, PR, and political consulting firm after I was laid off 10 months in to my first job post-grad school. To say I had no idea what I was doing would be an understatement. I did, however, have some idea of what I wanted it to be.
Being an impatient 22 year old, I wanted so badly to have success overnight. I spent a lot of time thinking about what a consultant looked like and how a consultant should behave. I worried about the clothes I wore and the car I drove to meetings (at the time it was a tiny, bright blue Toyota subcompact). Because I was a solo act for a few years, I was terrified that if people found out that I was doing the nuts and bolts work, that it would devalue my stock as a consultant.
As it turns out, when you put on a mask, you also tend to cover up your unique strengths. In the moments where I allowed myself to be confidently myself and not some lab-created facsimile, I started to see people reacting differently. It didn’t matter what car I drove, or that I was doing the day-to-day work. As a result, I was able to build stronger relationships and lean more into my strengths.
As part of my personal journey, I started to see many of the same tendencies in the clients I was working with. In politics, there is tremendous pressure for leaders to fit into specific molds. We often hear about how voters will vote for the person they most want to grab a beer with. Close your eyes and visualize what that means.
Our programing suggests that that person is gregarious, maybe has a good, but specific sense of humor. So, we see candidates try to fit that description, even if it’s not authentic. The policy wonk, feels the pressure to become the life of the party in a different way. You can spot inauthenticity from a mile away. As the kids (maybe) still say, it’s cringe.
But, I ask, why wouldn’t a voter want to grab a beer with a candidate who is passionate and knowledgeable about policy? If you own it wholeheartedly, it will be easier to lead from your strengths.
Stripping Off Masks is a Lifelong Process
Like adding a dance to a town hall, the journey toward authenticity and resiliency often unfolds through a series of gradual, intentional pivots. With each small step, you’re building strength, confidence, and clarity, anchoring deeper authenticity into your life and work. In fact big, sweeping changes are the fastest way to create panic and stress, which will undermine any progress you want to make.
It is totally natural and expected that fear can and will come up as you show up more vulnerably authentic in your life. To help you move through these feelings, below is a quick practice to help settle your nervous system and signal safety to your brain. We’ve also included some questions to uncover the masks you’re carrying around with you, including ones that may not be so obvious. It’s helpful to revisit these questions and use this practice often, as rewiring your brain and making changes to be more authentic aren’t quick processes for most of us. We’re still working on it ourselves!
🌟 Practice to Calm Anxiety: Get comfortable in a quiet place (turn off phone/email notifications) and set a timer for 5 minutes. Close your eyes (or soften your gaze) and place a hand over your heart. Feel the rhythm of your heartbeat beneath your palm.
Breathe slowly and deeply through your nose, in and out for 5 breaths, acknowledging any fear or tension that arises when you imagine showing the world the real you. No need for stories or judgements around why you’re scared, just be honest and name the feelings that are arising: anxiety, fear, grief, judgement, etc. With each exhale, softly whisper to yourself, "I am enough, just as I am."
Allow your body to release tension, recognizing that you are safe, valuable, and worthy of being seen. When the timer goes off, open your eyes, and dive into the questions below. It also helps to jot down any insights, messages, or feelings that you want to take with you. Do this practice as often as you need to and especially when feeling stressed or anxious.
📝 Uncover the masks in your own life:
When have you felt most disconnected from your realness, especially within your leadership or high-achieving roles?
What parts of yourself have you hidden or minimized to feel accepted, successful, or respected by your peers?
How might your life and leadership transform if you showed up fully as your authentic self?
If you're ready to embrace deeper authenticity in your leadership, consider this your gentle nudge toward beginning that journey. We hope this works leads you to discovering a surprising freedom and a more profound kind of success—the success of leading a life and career aligned with your truest self. If you need more support, send us a message to discuss how we can support this next chapter for you and/or your team.
Honoring your authenticity,
Molly + Matt